Numb

This isn’t who I knew I was

Acting on impulse every time and letting anger take control,
I drank the poison of envy and don’t know myself anymore.
I used to work hard for my dreams, facing the challenges head-on,
Yet now I hide and rarely seek to free myself from inner wars.

I am aware of what I am and of what I’ve started to be,
Hating the change with all my soul and wishing to somehow be free.
Yet I don’t fight back anymore, I just complain and watch the change.
So sad to know it’s all up to me, yet I wait powerless, then rage.

Dissatisfied and incomplete, I loathe myself for what I choose.
So powerless, yet blind to see that all the strength is here. Confused.
And while I’m stuck, everyone else carries their battles courageously.
I wait and do nothing to change the self-pitying melody.

I could, I could. And yet… I don’t. I won’t.

– Patricia

Numbness Throughout Time

Spring, summer, autumn, winter.
They all come and they all go
And I wait here in the shadows,
Wondering when I’ll get home.

They all pass me by but never
Truly look inside to see
If the smile shown in my window
Has any trace of sincerity.

Passers-by and, sadly, strangers:
That’s what they are all to me.
They can hold my hand but never
Can they give me warmth to feel.

So, spring comes and so does summer,
Autumn, winter—all the same.
And I wait here in the shadows,
Wondering where they all went…

– Patricia

The pain which eats away the heart
Is much too cruel to disregard,
As every beat that lets it live
Brings out the dark like nothing did.

And helplessness engulfs the mind,
While all the joy is far behind.
The pain won’t stop, flooding the soul,
Feasting on all that’s sane or whole.

And then, at last, the numbness comes,
The pulse is still—venom and scars.
The frozen heart is thus now born,
Impossible to pierce by thorns.

Now all is well, there’s no more pain!
What? Feelings? Oh, that’s all in vain!
Why feel the pain when you can live
Without the burdens feelings bring?

Why care at all? Death will still come,
There isn’t hope for everyone.
And, come to think of it, don’t I
Deserve to suffer till I die?

– Patricia