Remember that Promise You Made? It’s High Time You Kept It

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It’s time I sat down with myself
And had a chat before the dawn.
So many troubled thoughts compiled
And I’ve been running for far too long.
My life’s a mess and I am lost,
Grabbing onto whoever comes
To tell me who I am. Regret
Holding me back. Hungry for love.

I sit down and I think about
All the decisions I have made,
And all the problems I have caused
Simply because I only wait
For someone else to save my soul
Instead of being strong enough
Like I’d vowed to myself I’d be
Not long ago—five years have passed.

I had decided I’d be strong,
And yet somehow along the way
I lost myself again—felt cursed
To struggle just like this in vain.
My fears are tearing me apart,
As I turn nightmares into life.
Crippled and terrified by fear,
I can’t go back. There’s no fresh start.

But finally, something inside
Gets tired of the role I play.
I am the damsel in distress.
Okay, now also save the day.
“Stand up and save yourself right now.”
I hear a thought deep, deep within.
And finally, after so long,
I choose to listen to its voice.

I make this choice still feeling lost,
But I’m determined—I’ll hold on.
I’ve made myself so miserable
For far too long. Now I’ll be strong.
And I’ll be patient—I need time
To heal and to learn to love
All of myself—broken and numb.
I’ll focus on personal growth.

I’ve made my choice. I go to sleep.
And I sleep well: peaceful, content
Like I haven’t in so, so long.
I go to sleep before the dawn.
And I wake up determined, strong:
I have myself. I get to work.
It’s tough, it’s hard, I feel confused,
But one thing’s clear: I’m my own song.

– Patricia

On the Run

I gasp for air as I emerge from cold and shallow waters.
Drowning in fears—so powerless—I forgot the word called “courage.”
And all I want is to escape, to never know those burdens.
No, I don’t want to face those fears which have become my demons.

I blame myself, for I am weak, a coward and a traitor,
For countless times I have betrayed myself in the face of hardships.
I desperately try to inhale the air that gives me solace,
But muddy water fills my lungs—the pain: excruciating.

I could stand up and get through this, I could face all my nightmares,
Yet I still choose to drown down here, where I can run from problems.
I gasp for air and drown in fears, succumbing to my demons.
They are too powerful for me. So, I choose to be breathless.

– Patricia

Tell Me Now, Young Soul. Does It Hurt? Being the Outsider?

It’s okay, I’ll be the outcast
Once again.

And I’ll be fine. 

I’ve been there so many times and
I can do it one more time.
It’s my fault. Oh, yes, I know this.
I always push them away.
While they laugh and have a great time,
I lay bricks and raise my walls
Higher, higher, all the way up.
I choose this. I’m fine. I’ll smile.

My heart aches. Lumps start to gather
In my throat. I’m not okay.

Yes, from time to time I choose to
Take a peek through my grey wall,
Throw some words and try to take part
In the warmness they all share.
 
But these baby steps are never
Quite enough. They’re far away
And I’m far behind, no matter
How much I try to catch up to them.

It’s okay now. You can do this.
Toughen up. Smile through the pain.
You’ve always been the outsider,
What’s the difference that another
Small brick would now truly make?

22

Another day comes to an end,
Another year of my life.
I look down at my hands again
And stare in desolation.

The life I build with these two hands
And with the power of my mind
Just seems to pass me by so quick
Without the presence of my heart.

I feel the moment, though I don’t,
Only deceived by my own eyes.
I live and breathe and my heart beats
And yet fulfillment I can’t find…

Another day comes to an end,
Another year of my life.
Yes, I’m the birthday girl today,
But I won’t be tomorrow…

– Patricia

The Small Things in Life

Another one of those rare days
Has come again. Another year.
I look down at my feet again,
The river—cool and quiet.

Barefoot, enjoying warmth and sun,
I sit here by the river. I
Listen to soothing whispers and
Enjoy the sound of silence.

The river comes, the river goes,
The sun-kissed leaves of trees so green
Blow in the wind. And I am free:
This moment is my blessing.

I’m turning twenty-two today.
The hour glass keeps pouring sand,
And yet as I am here right now,
The moment stops. It’s timeless.

– Patricia

Childhood Home and Summer Nights

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I hear the crickets chirp and I
Know that I’m home again.
Cycling on peaceful hills—so green—
I remember who I am.

I feel the moment—future, past
Don’t cross my mind at all.
I live in the now, so free and calm,
Nature—so beautiful.

The bright full moon governs the night,
Shining so close to me
Against the darkness of the sky;
I thus now feel at ease.

The scent of freshly scythed grass
Gives me forgotten peace
And I can feel that once again
I’ve known eternal bliss.

The night—so quiet and so warm—
Promises freedom, dance.
I had forgotten what was home
And now I have returned.

I feel alive and know myself,
Here on the peaceful hills.
This is the world I’ve always loved,
The world of real dreams.

– Patricia

Anthem of a Generation

We could be outside in the lovely green meadows,
Enjoying the bright morning sun.
Yet we choose the path that leads us to darkness,
A world for us to sulk and be sad.

We could be outside—and we are. Don’t you see us?
We’re stepping right into the light.
Yet darkness we choose and we offer it shelter
Into our weakened hearts and our minds.

And some of us have all the reasons to smile,
And none to be sad, none at all.
And yet this is what we have always been close to,
Anxiety ruling our minds.

Depression and sadness—we’ve known them forever,
We choose their familiar scent.
Self-love is a stranger. We don’t want to get closer
To what is unknown. We are home.

Yes, we could be happy, excited, ecstatic,
And at times we truly are so.
But we always come back to the grey and the static,
It’s what we have always called home.

True, we could be happy. There’s no reason not to. But
Hey, where’s the sadness in that?
Empty we are and we’re fine. We are happy,
For
We’re the generation that loves being sad.

Crossroads

Yet again she found herself struggling to keep fighting.
She stood still at the crossroads, breathing in and sighing…
“Do I see the point in this? Do I keep on going?
Do I stop chasing this dream? Do I keep on hoping?”

More and more she found herself weaker and just wanting
To cease all that she had tried, throw a pity party
For herself and only so. No one seemed to care for
That one dream she hoped to achieve which had made her world-weary.

“Is it worth it? I don’t know… I’m so lost and tired…
And if not, what do I do? This is what I desired…”
Pondering upon the way which would give her meaning,
She decides so: “One more time, I will keep on dreaming…”

– Patricia