Intrusive Thoughts

First, it happened when she smiled
At a lovely blossomed rose.
“So delicate and so pretty!”
Cut it! said a passing thought.

It came quickly and was gone then,
Quick as the death it had claimed.
She forgot about it soon, then,
As it wasn’t hers at all.

The next time such thought appeared,
She was chatting with her friend.
Suddenly, mid-conversation:
You’re so fake! You just pretend!

This time, it lingered a moment
Before being gone again.
She acknowledged its existence,
But quickly ignored it, then.

Third time was when she was swimming:
What if you just stayed down here?
She just swam up to the surface,
This time feeling bits of fear.

“I’m not sad and I’m not angry,
Nor depressed or hurting, so
Why do thoughts like this appear?
Is there something wrong with me?”

Time and time again she noticed
That such thoughts would come again:
Sudden, real and disturbing,
And nothing of what she felt.

One time, strolling through the city,
One time, when feeding her pet,
With her family or driving,
At night, when the sun would set.

One time, watching children playing,
Or when basking in the sun,
When embracing her grandparents
Or when hugging her dear mom.

Push them! Hurt them! It’s so easy,
Look at them, so vulnerable.
All it takes is one short second
And then it would all be done.

Drive over the edge—so simple.
She stepped on the brake so hard:
Breathing heavily, she started
Questioning her state of mind.

Troubled and concerned, she started
Doubting that she knew herself.
For some time, she felt like she had
Lost her sense of who she was.

Till one day when she decided
To accept them as they were.
She would never act upon them;
They just came and they just were.

Coming, going, she would know them,
Yet she knew herself, as well.
She kept living, breathing, smiling,
Each time bidding them farewell.

– Patricia